Do Inhibitions Increase With Age?
Q: My wife recently turned 60. We’ve been together for 20 years, but over the years, particularly after menopause, she is becoming more and more inhibited about sex. She only likes a couple of positions and wants to get it over with as soon as possible. We have a good relationship otherwise. We have sex around three times a month and she almost always comes. Is an increase in inhibitions normal with age?
A: It is normal that as we age, we develop issues with our body image. Few of us welcome the physical changes with open arms. It can be difficult to see one’s body go from firm to loose and saggy. Some of us put on a few extra pounds as we age as well. She most likely is comfortable with sexual positions that she feels places her in a better light physically (this is merely an assumption of course). The good news is that you are having regular sex and that she is enjoying herself. Reassure her that you still find her attractive—and do this often. As for the “getting it over with quickly,” I am not sure what is going on for her. I would recommend that you read my book together, The Sex Bible for People Over 50.
First Time
Q: I was dating this girl that I really liked for a couple months and we talked about it and finally decided to have sex. It was my first time but she had more experience. I had to sneak out and go to her place I was really excited/nervous and didn’t know what to do. It was really awkward and to be honest I didn’t even cum. I felt really bad and she blamed herself and we got in some fights and eventually broke up. I would really appreciate it if you had any advice at all thank you.
A: It’s too bad that this is what caused your break up! It is perfectly normal to be nervous especially with a new person. This nervousness can result in either coming too fast, losing an erection, or not coming at all. This usually has absolutely nothing to do with how you feel about your partner, or their technique. You needn’t feel bad, nor should she blame herself. It’s just one of those common occurrences that most men experience at some point in their lives.
Next time you get involved with someone sexually, you can let them know that you are a bit nervous and that it has happened that you don’t ejaculate. There is also no shame in admitting that you have not had a whole lot of experience, but that you are eager to please and thus open to learning. Ask the girl how she likes to be pleasured (as it is different for every girl), and focus on that. Becoming a good lover takes time, and it takes attentiveness to your partner and their needs.
Trouble With Orgasm
Q: I’m a 22-year-old male and I’ve been in a relationship for four years. My girlfriend is 21 years old.
My girlfriend can’t have orgasms. She’s never had one. We’ve tried our best—sex, oral sex, masturbation, dildo, and vibrator. Once, we had sex for at least an hour and nothing happened.
I don’t know what’s wrong. She has seen a gynecologist and he gave her medication, but said that everything is ok, that is only a psychological problem. I try my best to make sure that she’s comfortable and that I give her the maximum pleasure I can, but isn’t enough. What can I do to finally give her her first orgasm?
A: You sound like a very caring and giving lover. However, there’s a few things you need to know. Most women will not have an orgasm with intercourse alone, no matter how long it goes for. Most women need clitoral stimulation to get to an orgasm. But, oftentimes, when we focus too much on having an orgasm, we end up being more in our minds rather than in our bodies.
Rest assured that it is not anything you are doing wrong, or something that you could do more (it sounds like you are open to, and have done, whatever she wants). By focusing so much on giving her an orgasm, you may be inadvertently pressuring her to have one, and this puts her in her head rather than in her body. My guess is that whether or not she orgasms, she is still enjoying herself.
You mention that she is on medication but you don’t say which one. If she is on antidepressants for example, this could affect one’s ability to orgasm. I also often see women who think they are not having orgasms because they are expecting fireworks (a huge sensation). Women have described orgasms as sneeze-like all the way to explosive. If she feels any tension building at all with arousal, followed by a feeling of relaxation she probably is experiencing an orgasm. The best advice I can give you is to stop making orgasm the goal of your sexual activity together and just enjoy each other. I would also recommend she try masturbation with a clitoral vibrator and that she get to know her body well.