Never Been Kissed
Q: I am 27. I am still a virgin, I’ve never even kissed anyone. My sex drive appears normal but I’ve never managed to find a partner. I’m worried I’m reaching the age soon where things are all downhill and I’ve missed the best time to enjoy sex. Keep thinking that because people think virgins are pathetic that no woman will ever want me. I guess my question is: am I a failure as a man? Or is it too late for me?
A: There’s not really a best time/age to enjoy sex. You can begin a fulfilling sex life at any age. There are also women out there who are still virgins and who are in the same position you are in. Although it’s true that the majority of men are not virgins at 27, that doesn’t mean all men are the same. And it is never “too late” for anyone, no matter their age. Nor does this mean you are a failure as a man. The big question I have however, is why has it been difficult to find a partner. Have you been actively seeking to date? Have you gone to singles events? Created an online profile? Used apps? Or, have you gone on dates, but they never seem to lead to a second date. If it is the latter, you may want to examine what you are doing that may potentially turn off your potential partners. In this case, I recommend you seek the advice of a dating coach, like our contributor, Frank Kermit. You will also find articles about Adult Male Virgins on this site.
Trouble With Penetration
Q: I have a problem penetrating my wife’s vagina in our sex life. She is still a virgin and we are happy with our sex, but there’s no penetration. Recently, we’ve become tired of this kind of sex, and both of us are looking for a way to solve this problem. Sometimes when she’s ready for penetration, I face erectile dysfunction and other times, she gets scared of penetration. I do not know what we should do.
A: It sounds like your wife may be experiencing a condition that we call vaginismus. That is when the vagina muscles involuntary close up when penetration is attempted. This is often due to fear of pain during penetration. Your erectile dysfunction might be in response to your fear of hurting your wife. I’m not sure what part of the world you live in, but the best treatment for this is pelvic floor physiotherapy where the therapist works on helping the woman stretch and control her vaginal muscles. You can also try and gently and gradually work your way to penetration with a penis. You can start by inserting a finger first, then two fingers, then maybe a small dildo. Begin with the smallest size and when she feels comfortable, move on to the next level. Make sure she is relaxed when doing these exercises and that she uses lubrication as well. A consultation with her gynecologist though is the first step in the treatment process.
Fear of Sex
Q: I’m an 18-year-old female and like most people, I have my insecurities. But they have held me back quite a bit. I have developed a fear of any type of sexual interaction. I am worried that my partner won’t like the parts of me I don’t like. I don’t know how to get over this fear. I have been granted many opportunities to experience sex, but my fear holds me back too much. I guess my question would be: How do you make sure you’re comfortable enough when going through with sex?
A: How you feel about yourself definitely has an impact on your sexuality. When you feel good about yourself, it is much easier to be open and less timid about sex. You are right that most of us have some level of insecurities, and no one is perfect. You don’t need a perfect body to be attractive, to be desirable or to have great sex. We are our worst critics! I’m pretty confident in telling you that most partners care far less about specific parts of your body and care far more about how confident you feel in your body. Confidence is sexy after all! I think it’s important for you to work on your body image and any other insecurities you are struggling with. It might help you to talk to a counselor/therapist (check out the services offered at your college or in your community).