Waiting For Marriage
Q: My girlfriend just told me that she wants to wait until marriage to have sex. There’s just one issue: we’ve been together for five years and we used to regularly have sex. At some point, things in the bedroom slowed down and then eventually totally dried up. She says that sex made her feel guilty and she thinks that won’t happen if we’re married—even though neither of us is Christian. We also don’t have plans to get married. We both just graduated from school and are both at low-paying entry-level jobs. I’d go to city hall tomorrow, but she wants a big wedding, so we’re going to have to save for years to get there. I really miss having sex with her, and I don’t know if I can wait. What can I do to deal with this?
A: Something here is not making sense. Is she using this as an excuse/explanation for her lack of libido? Shame around sex does not just disappear when one has a ring on their finger. Did she suddenly develop shame? Was she hiding her feelings all the time you were being sexual together? What changed for her? Unfortunately, I have way more questions than answers for you. This tells me that you guys need a thorough assessment of the situation which you can get by going to a psychosexual therapist. You both need to discuss this issue and what you both need out of your relationship.
Room For Compromise?
Q: Hi Dr. Laurie. I’m kind of in a stalemate in my relationship and not sure what to do. A few months into our relationship, my boyfriend asked if we could try a little anal play on him while we had sex. He loved it, and our sex life kind of transformed from that point on. Now it always needs to happen—either with me fingering him or using toys on him—every time, without fail. Unfortunately, I never really enjoyed it, but I didn’t say anything. Eventually, I just got turned off by the whole idea of sex with him, since it came with something I don’t like. I’m horny but unfulfilled, and he is too. Now we are in this stalemate, like I mentioned. He says he can’t finish without it but I don’t want to have to do it, and it’s ruining sex. Is there any way to compromise here?
A: Are you saying that he can’t climax without anal penetration? You need to be able to talk to him about how you feel about this. When it comes to compromise, sometimes we do things for our partner, and it is a reciprocal arrangement. I said sometimes, not every time. Sex should be something you both enjoy. It can’t that be one person is satisfied and the other is turned off. He can always do anal play on himself during masturbation (using his own finger or a butt plug type toy). If he can only come with this activity, it’s a bit more problematic since it is distressing to the couple. You or he (or the couple) may need to see a therapist to help you talk this out in a safe space and help you figure out something that could work for you both.