Following The Rules
Q: I recently got out of a 15-year marriage relatively unscathed. Well, as unscathed as one can be from a 15-year relationship ending. To make a long story short, after years of struggles and a pretty bad sexual and relationship dynamic, my now-ex-wife realized she was a lesbian. We are still friends and I’m really happy for her. Then there’s my side of things. A few weeks into being “single” for the first time, I decided to check out the apps—hey, they didn’t have those when I was younger! I made some matches and started chatting with a woman my age who was also freshly out of a relationship. Since they say that rebounds are always a bad idea, we both agreed that we could have a no strings attached sexual relationship. Having both come out of relationships with dead bedrooms, it made sense to me to get back into the saddle, so to speak.
Unfortunately—or fortunately?—we got along really well. The sex was great, but we also spent hours and hours talking. Seemed like crossing a boundary, so we tried to keep things strictly business the next time, but the same thing happened. I can’t stop thinking about her and she’s echoed that she feels the same way. We have similar lifestyles and goals. Our sexual chemistry is off the charts.
So…as a relationship expert…can you tell me exactly why a rebound is such a bad idea? I realize I’m in the infatuation stage, but I can picture a future with this person…even though the divorce papers are still being drawn up.
A: First of all, there are no rules about when you should or could start a relationship after a breakup. The likelihood is that by the time you get divorced, you have long grieved this relationship (which seems to be your case). Not sure for her though as I know very little about her situation. I think it’s great that you found someone who you are compatible with. I would recommend, however that you actually date for 6 months and then evaluate. At the beginning of relationships, things can seem pretty perfect (especially when we compare to our ex), so taking some time to get to know each other, observe our partner in different situations and with different people, will allow you to truly see if you share the same values, are compatible, etc. My other thought is that if you were in a 15 year marriage you are most likely middle aged, which certainly comes with more maturity. This maturity will allow you to better evaluate the fit rather quickly (as opposed to when we are young and date for years before realizing it is not a good fit). Bottom line: forget what “people” say and listen to your gut and how the person makes you feel.
Everything But The Sex
Q: A little while ago, I got out of a relationship, and it just so happened that an acquaintance-bordering-on-friend also became single around the same time. We had great chemistry the moment we met through mutual friends. It felt like we’d always known each other and we get along so well. But obviously I just thought we’d become great friends and that would be all, because relationships. Being single at the same time…well…turns out the chemistry isn’t only just friends-chemistry after all. We made out after running into each other at a party and have been seeing each other ever since. We are in constant contact throughout the day, messages and calls, and we hang out constantly. We could be together every hour of every day and never run out of things to talk about, laugh about, and do together. It’s been an absolute thrill. I have never had some easy and immediate chemistry and rapport with someone. I have never enjoyed being around someone and found myself loving every part, inch of skin, peal of laughter, and small gesture. But there’s a problem. Of course.
We played things pretty slowly at first, and only made out for the first month, especially since we were both somewhat-fresh off breakups. We finally had sex, and the fireworks I expected were not there. It was awkward and hard for him to keep it going, but I figured we’d probably put an immense amount of pressure on ourselves and it would be hard for the sex to match the intellectual, emotional, and physical chemistry we had elsewhere. We’ve had sex a handful of times since then, and it’s just not…happening. We do have physical chemistry outside of the bedroom and have gotten quite worked up making out on dates, sending pics back and forth while at our respective homes, sexting, etc. But when it comes down to being in the bedroom together, he can’t seem to fully get there. And for me, it’s becoming a problem. I know he had a healthy sex life with his ex/with other partners (big city, small circles of friends). I can’t help but wonder if it’s me—if I’m not attractive to him.
He doesn’t initiate sex, though he does initiate sexting/photos. I finally got so frustrated I brought it up with him, but I did it after we’d had a few drinks, and we ended up having sex—probably the best we’d had, not that that’s a good gauge—but it hasn’t solved anything. Everything about the relationship is perfect, except for this, and I just don’t know how to get it into place, or if it even is something I can get into place, if he doesn’t want to have sex with me.
A: The scenario you describe is one I see so frequently. What you are describing sounds like Performance Anxiety. Some guys, especially when they really like someone, put a lot of pressure on themselves to be “perfect” in bed. They are afraid to disappoint their lover. Unfortunately, this fear (or anxiety) leads to a fight or flight response which means that the blood will now flow into vital organs to fight off the ‘threat.’ This means that a guy will lose his erection, as soon as he starts worrying about either having one, keeping one, or pleasing their partner. I highly doubt it has anything to do with you or his attraction to you, since you describe all kinds of chemistry. Remember, it’s about fear of failure, embarrassment or loss of control. He still desires you, has libido and wants sex, but his “anxiety” and the adrenaline that goes with it overrides it. As his partner, it’s important to create a safe and pressure-free environment. Do not focus on the erection, the orgasm, or intercourse. In other words, fool around without the goal of sex. The sexual experience should be playful and relaxed. Enjoy each other without the pressure of “performing.” Be patient and warm. Don’t make sex feel like a test for him each time. Do celebrate all the small wins which are all the moments you can be relaxed and enjoying each other without anxiety. In time, and without pressure, a man can start to feel safe and will be less likely to have this kind of anxiety. If it stays problematic, encourage him to see a sex therapist for individual therapy or for couple therapy.