Hi, I’m Courtney, and I have herpes. Seven years ago, I couldn’t fix my lips to say that to anyone without a rush of judgment rolling in. The fear of hearing the responses that I was gross, nasty, or had a dirty dick would immediately make my heart feel like it was going to explode. For about six years following my diagnosis, I slowly and painfully learned that all of those judgments were imagined; they were perceptions and projections of how I was afraid to be perceived. Eventually, I would come to learn that life is about what happens through you, not to you, and that the universe tests us to be who we are, authentically. I would eventually get to the place where I am now, where I see this as a gift, a superpower even. I identify with the orphaned superheroes (Spider-man, Superman, Thor, Goku, Batman) who experienced losses that pushed them towards discovering their calling and gifts on the dark road they had to travel. Left alone and forced to look inward, they discovered themselves and their gifts, their own light which illuminated their truth.
During the years following my diagnosis, I denied myself and my superpower. I abused it, misused it, tried to get rid of it. I made enemies, wore a mask, and experienced loss because of it; the greatest of those losses being myself. I pitied myself, drank to forget about my gift, avoided disclosure, and I pretended to be better than the person my diagnosis made me think I was. The process of dealing with my herpes diagnosis was way more strenuous than it should’ve been. I dealt with the physical symptoms within a matter of days—which meant working out, monitoring my nutrition, & managing stress—but the emotional and psychological symptoms were long-term, and it took me a while before I learned how to manage.
Through the hardships of dating, battling with disclosure, and limiting myself with a mindset of self-rejection that told me to take what I could get, I came to finally recognize the voice in my head saying these negative things was not my own; it wasn’t me. After paying attention to those negative thoughts, I assigned them cartoonish, friendly voices that I could easily laugh at or brush off, and ones that wouldn’t slide under the radar into my subconscious. This began my personal practice of differentiating fact from opinion. Taking control and changing my personal narrative impacted my beliefs about not only myself but also about the role I was playing in the world around me.
After making the decision to not be controlled by stigma, I decided to begin disclosing to close friends and family members. Afterward, I realized that our connections deepened. They opened up to me about their personal lives and challenges which made for closer friendships. By contrast, when I was around people who were not aware of my diagnosis, I noticed how differently I acted. People who knew I was herpes positive thought I was funny, smart, attractive, and they felt comfortable opening up to me. Those who didn’t could probably sense I was hiding something, which I was—my real self.
Being my real self meant living honestly. It meant backtracking and telling previous partners I hadn’t disclosed to that I may have exposed them to herpes. This was not the easiest thing to do, but it was right. What’s harder is living with that guilt. I now experience ongoing liberation from stigma through encouraging others to share their experience with herpes or other STIs on the Something Positive for Positive People podcast. I’ve noticed the guests also find this process liberating. Rather than hiding behind a mask or a costume, I wear my truth. I’m at peace with my gift, and no longer have to live with the fear of rejection because as a result of talking so openly about having herpes, I just assume everyone knows I have it. The more people who know someone living with herpes, the quicker newly diagnosed people can access their own truth. Seven years was too long for me. Being diagnosed with herpes doesn’t have to be a negative experience unless you allow it to be. If I’m gonna be positive physically, may as well be emotionally and mentally. The best advice I can give to anyone newly diagnosed with an STI is to literally just stay positive!
By Courtney Warren Brame, special contributor to the Sexual Wellness Center
The podcast Something Positive for Positive People can be found anywhere podcasts can be downloaded or played; iTunes, Stitcher, Podbean, Google Play, Apple Podcast & Spotify. I’m on social media @HOnMyChest.